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‘Dollhouse’ First Chapter Review: How the Kardashian Sisters Ruined My Night

These pour souls may have actually read this book after getting it signed. My thoughts and well wishes go out to them.

I never understood the so-called “need” for book burnings until now. Fanatics shouldn’t be burning copies of well-written-yet-controversial texts. They should be burning books that make you want to be illiterate. Books so bad that the first sentence makes you want to chuck it across the room just to get it as far away from you as possible. Books that can turn your great day into the worst day of your life after just three pages. Those would be nice critiques of the first chapter of Dollhouse by Kim, Khloe and that other Kardashian sister whose names escapes me and I don’t care enough about to look up at this moment. (I wanna say Lamar Kardashian? Or is it Bruce Kardashian?)

When Khloe Kardashian put a link to the first chapter on her Twitter, I knew I had to read it. I didn’t expect greatness, but I didn’t expect that they may have actually written this book themselves. After the finishing the chapter, it was apparent the last thing book they ever read was probably something like The Kardashian Sisters: Krazy Kool by the 13-year-old moderators of the IHeartKimKhloeKourtneyOMG Twitter and Tumblr. The influence of that book is seen in their writing.

I give them props for knowing their largest following is tweens and young adults, but they’re either underestimating their reader’s intelligence or overestimating their own by not enlisting a few actual writers to help turn this from a tween’s short story for basic English class into an actual book. If they did have some outside help, those people should be stripped of their writing titles and forced to wander Hollywood Boulevard barefoot for eternity as atonement for their crimes against literature.

A good writer would’ve noticed that everyone’s name starting with a “k” is confusing enough when I have visuals to help me out on their TV show, but in a book, I don’t know who is who. I think the first chapter is about Kamille Romero and her sisters are Kass and Kyle. The mom’s name is Kat. Don’t even ask me who’s the oldest or the youngest. Also, don’t ask me anyone else’s name because it took me way too long to figure out who the main characters were to focus on anyone else.

Notably bad writing decisions:

“But her destiny was out there, waiting for her, as sparkly and spectacular as the Kodak Theater on Oscar Night…” (Note: Those ellipses are actually in the book! They were not added to indicate the sentence continued past my quoting. When did that become OK to put ellipses in a novel? Also, what’s so sparkly about Oscar Night? I guess I’ve been a member of the proletariat too long.)

“David Alexander Romero had been a famous film producer. More important, he had been the most awesome dad in the world.” (As an editor, I can tell you that “had been” would be easier to read if they just said “was” and it would also flow better if it said “more importantly” because more important sounds like hillbilly talk.)

“Kat found out that he had secretly invested the family’s saving with his best friend, who was a big-deal investment banker to the rich and famous.” (The entire sentence reads like a line from Valley Girl.)

The name of the restaurant the family owns is the oh-so-original Café Romero. (Zero points for creativity.)

“What do you mean you need an emergency vagina-plasty?” (Don’t even ask.)

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt because this is just the first chapter. In light of the fact that there’s this much wrong in just nine pages, I will not be reading the rest of the book or suggesting it to anyone. The fact that they think nine pages of introductory nonsense disguised as clever background information is actually a chapter is a bad sign for the quality of the rest of the book. But I must confess that I thought Lauren Conrad’s L.A. Candy novels would suck after the first paragraph,  but I ended up liking them. But they got better by the second page, so I didn’t have to read an entire chapter that made me cringe.

The ladies should probably just keep doing fashion collaborations and endorsements. Or read a few good books in whatever genre (it seems like this was supposed to be YA fiction) they want to use for their next book. FYI: Kardashian Konfidential does not count as a good book to use for inspiration.

After this scathing review, I’d like to apologize if I offended any of you 12-year-old “dolls” or “K-hearts” or “Krazy Kardashian stalKers” out there. Just as I have the right to like good literature, you have the right to kill your brain cells with the first chapter is this book. Just be glad I didn’t weigh in on Kim’s whirlwind marriage…yet.

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