Category Archives: snarky comments

Side-by-Side: Justin Bieber’s ‘Boyfriend’ & Justin Timberlake’s ‘Like I Love You’

As I’m writing this, I just realized both their names are Justin. That was totally a coincidence, to be clear. I don’t troll around looking for similar videos from artists with the same first name.

Since I have to stay up on my teen popular culture (I’ll say it’s because I just started doing social media for a teen magazine and want to work in the teen market, but I may secretly enjoy teen culture.), I watched Justin Bieber’s new video for “Boyfriend” Thursday night. I’m going to ignore the fact that the intro made me think my computer couldn’t handle all the teen idol gushing off of the Biebs and turned off, when it was actually just some sort of editing effect. Aside from the fact that the girl in video looks extremely uncomfortable (Was Selena on set or something?) and isn’t into him at all, I was instantly reminded of Justin Timberlake’s first solo music video for “Like I Love You.” J.T. chose a lead in the video who could at least pretend to find him attractive and wasn’t always looking off camera (I swear Selena must have been on the set.), but the whole let’s-dance-in-a-crowded-parking-lot-while-we-try-to-pick-up-a-girl scene took me back a while. They also both do a lot of foot movements and wiggle their shoulders, which I guess is supposed to be sexy. Honestly, it just makes me think they’re shaking a mosquito off or something.

Of course, Justin Bieber’s is exclusively in a parking lot, as he stars into the dead eyes of his lady love. (Sorry, but I just can’t get over how long he made us wait just to see some girl who acts like he had bad breath or something.) J.T. branches out a bit, using some sort of stage and dancing around in leather pants. And can we please not ignore Timberlake’s crotchet hat and the fact that he’s wearing 7-11 shirt at a 7-11! Why did we allow celebrities to dress like this and say nothing? Past fashion critics, you should’ve done better.

I don’t know what you think, but it seems to me that Bieber is using some past inspiration. With J.T.’s track record, it’s a good move. I just wish Mr. Timberlake would do something musical again. Why do we let Jessica Biel stick around if she’s not even encouraging him to get back in the studio? Jess, you have the power to put an end to his hiatus!

Did I mention I like both of these songs? Because I do. Watch and listen, guys. And let me know if there are any other parking lot pick-up videos from pseudo R&B/Pop artists that I should be aware of.

“Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber

“Like I Love You” by Justin Timberlake

Update [5.4.12 at 9:36 p.m.]: MTV Style compared this video to N*Sync’s “Girlfriend” and I definitely see the similarity there, too.

“Girlfriend” by N*Sync

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Say What?: Bane’s Garbled Speech in “Dark Knight Rises”

Tom Hardy as "Bane" in "Dark Knight Rises"

Not only did I see the prologue to Dark Knight Rises but I was excited about it. I’m much more savvy on other comic series than Batman, but I’ve always loved the cartoon and I’ve seen all the movies. Bane is a relatively new addition to the Batman villain roster, debuting for the first time in 1993. I like Tom Hardy, so I was excited to see him in this role, but it’s really hard to be excited about something you cannot understand.

Christopher Nolan is reportedly working on it, but doesn’t plan to tweak it too much. He told The Hollywood Reporter, it was OK if people didn’t understand the prologue as long as they got the overall message. For a person like me who loves visuals and can forgive a poor story line if it’s beautiful (I love all of Baz Luhrman’s films and I’m pretty sure the scripts aren’t that great), that’s fine. Let’s face it: this will probably be a visual masterpiece with Nolan at the helm. But a lot of people really want to know what the characters are saying, especially if they pay $10 to see it. Plus, we can’t forget that Christian Bale’s Batman voice has become such a deep growl that bears come to set because they think it’s a fellow grizzly in distress.

How unintelligible is Bane’s voice? I came up with some quips to explain it better.

Bane sounds like:
• he’s speaking Simlish
• he’s gargling mouthwash
• he’s trying to talk while foaming at the mouth from rabies
• Dark Vader with the flu
• the kid from “Hey Arnold” that Helga always punches in the face

Even though you can’t understand him about 75 percent of the time, Bane will be totally badass. The character’s father was sentenced to life in prison, but escaped and had his infant son serve out his prison sentence. Meaning Bane was born and raised with criminals. He read a lot growing up and had a few mentors, but he also committed his first murder at the age of 8. He’s smart and deadly. Oh, and he was also injected with a toxin called Venom during an experimental procedure. This is all before he busted out of prison to start his life of crime.

Voice aside, the prologue was possibly the most action packed into one scene that I’ve witnessed since I saw The Mechanic earlier this year. The best part about Nolan’s Batman series is that it raises the bar for action scenes, something I don’t think the older films really did. They banked on the character, but Nolan is more interested in telling the story. Which explains why Inception had one of the most complicated yet easily understandable, plots I’ve ever seen.

As long as I can at least understand Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, I’ll be satisfied.

On second thought, I probably won’t, but I won’t regret buying the ticket because it’s probably impossible to hate a Christopher Nolan film.

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‘Dollhouse’ First Chapter Review: How the Kardashian Sisters Ruined My Night

These pour souls may have actually read this book after getting it signed. My thoughts and well wishes go out to them.

I never understood the so-called “need” for book burnings until now. Fanatics shouldn’t be burning copies of well-written-yet-controversial texts. They should be burning books that make you want to be illiterate. Books so bad that the first sentence makes you want to chuck it across the room just to get it as far away from you as possible. Books that can turn your great day into the worst day of your life after just three pages. Those would be nice critiques of the first chapter of Dollhouse by Kim, Khloe and that other Kardashian sister whose names escapes me and I don’t care enough about to look up at this moment. (I wanna say Lamar Kardashian? Or is it Bruce Kardashian?)

When Khloe Kardashian put a link to the first chapter on her Twitter, I knew I had to read it. I didn’t expect greatness, but I didn’t expect that they may have actually written this book themselves. After the finishing the chapter, it was apparent the last thing book they ever read was probably something like The Kardashian Sisters: Krazy Kool by the 13-year-old moderators of the IHeartKimKhloeKourtneyOMG Twitter and Tumblr. The influence of that book is seen in their writing.

I give them props for knowing their largest following is tweens and young adults, but they’re either underestimating their reader’s intelligence or overestimating their own by not enlisting a few actual writers to help turn this from a tween’s short story for basic English class into an actual book. If they did have some outside help, those people should be stripped of their writing titles and forced to wander Hollywood Boulevard barefoot for eternity as atonement for their crimes against literature.

A good writer would’ve noticed that everyone’s name starting with a “k” is confusing enough when I have visuals to help me out on their TV show, but in a book, I don’t know who is who. I think the first chapter is about Kamille Romero and her sisters are Kass and Kyle. The mom’s name is Kat. Don’t even ask me who’s the oldest or the youngest. Also, don’t ask me anyone else’s name because it took me way too long to figure out who the main characters were to focus on anyone else.

Notably bad writing decisions:

“But her destiny was out there, waiting for her, as sparkly and spectacular as the Kodak Theater on Oscar Night…” (Note: Those ellipses are actually in the book! They were not added to indicate the sentence continued past my quoting. When did that become OK to put ellipses in a novel? Also, what’s so sparkly about Oscar Night? I guess I’ve been a member of the proletariat too long.)

“David Alexander Romero had been a famous film producer. More important, he had been the most awesome dad in the world.” (As an editor, I can tell you that “had been” would be easier to read if they just said “was” and it would also flow better if it said “more importantly” because more important sounds like hillbilly talk.)

“Kat found out that he had secretly invested the family’s saving with his best friend, who was a big-deal investment banker to the rich and famous.” (The entire sentence reads like a line from Valley Girl.)

The name of the restaurant the family owns is the oh-so-original Café Romero. (Zero points for creativity.)

“What do you mean you need an emergency vagina-plasty?” (Don’t even ask.)

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt because this is just the first chapter. In light of the fact that there’s this much wrong in just nine pages, I will not be reading the rest of the book or suggesting it to anyone. The fact that they think nine pages of introductory nonsense disguised as clever background information is actually a chapter is a bad sign for the quality of the rest of the book. But I must confess that I thought Lauren Conrad’s L.A. Candy novels would suck after the first paragraph,  but I ended up liking them. But they got better by the second page, so I didn’t have to read an entire chapter that made me cringe.

The ladies should probably just keep doing fashion collaborations and endorsements. Or read a few good books in whatever genre (it seems like this was supposed to be YA fiction) they want to use for their next book. FYI: Kardashian Konfidential does not count as a good book to use for inspiration.

After this scathing review, I’d like to apologize if I offended any of you 12-year-old “dolls” or “K-hearts” or “Krazy Kardashian stalKers” out there. Just as I have the right to like good literature, you have the right to kill your brain cells with the first chapter is this book. Just be glad I didn’t weigh in on Kim’s whirlwind marriage…yet.

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